Saying Sorry Does Not Make Everything Perfect Again
When someone hurts u.s.a., physically or emotionally, we crave an amends. An apology rarely if ever fixes the trouble, of form, simply it does help. Afterward all, an amends shows a willingness to alter for the ameliorate.
Or does it?
The problem with apologies is that abusers know how much their victims desire to hear them. To keep their victims nearby, and so, they'll make apologies left and right without taking whatever real deportment to improve themselves or make amends.
These are non existent apologies—they are manipulation tactics. Any counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist in the earth volition attest that an apology without change is manipulation.
How tin can you tell the difference, though? What differentiates existent apologies made by someone struggling to alter from manipulative apologies made past an abuser?
If yous need aid determining whether you've been given a real amends or if you're but being manipulated, here are some cherry-red flags to watch for.
Why an Apology Without Change Is Manipulation
"An apology without change is just manipulation."
It's a pithy statement perfect for window decals and bumper stickers, but that doesn't make it any less true. It likewise doesn't make the phrase less scientifically correct.
For at to the lowest degree the past two decades, psychological professionals have understood that a sincere apology contains 4 singled-out actions:
- Admission of a harmful action or beliefs
- Statement of remorse regarding the action or behavior
- Realized promise to avoid (or attempt to avoid) that activeness or behavior in the futurity
- Offering to brand amends
It'due south important to annotation the language in that third point. It cannot be a coating or empty promise—it must be a realized promise.
Types of Insincere and/or Manipulative Apologies
Not all insincere apologies are purposely manipulative. Frequently, they aren't fifty-fifty purposely insincere.
That doesn't make them acceptable, though, nor does it make a continued blueprint of giving such apologies less toxic. Information technology can, however, brand information technology more than difficult to determine when an amends is real and when information technology'south a manipulation. Feeling true remorse isn't a fail-safe identifier of a sincere apology.
For this reason, information technology'southward important to learn to differentiate the different rationales backside insincere and/or manipulative apologies.
Guilty Conscience
What the amends really means: "I feel bad, and apologizing will brand me experience better. It isn't most making yous feel improve—this is about me."
Whether we hateful to or not, almost all of usa are guilty of apologizing to appease ourselves rather than the people we hurt.
This doesn't mean that you're a bad person or a hush-hush narcissist. Information technology'south a common cocky-defence method to protect our ain emotions and vulnerability. By verbally admitting our guilt, we release some of that burden and ease our own consciences.
We are also aware that, on some level, just offering an apology is oftentimes enough to improve how people perceive us. In this 2006 commodity from the Journal of College and Character, writer Hershey H. Friedman notes that "an apology causes the aggrieved political party to have more empathy for the offending party." In other words, the act of apologizing itself tin can be enough to make the person nosotros've hurt feel bad for united states of america instead.
The Difference between Guilt and Shame
Friedman'due south article goes on to explicate that we desire this acknowledgment to assuage our own negative feelings. When we do something that we know has caused some other being hurting, nearly people feel ane of 2 emotions: guilt or shame.
Guilt stems from the knowledge that we have displayed "bad" behavior. We accept committed some negative activity, and one of the consequences of that activeness is a deep discomfort and desire to make apology.
Shame is a deeper emotion that stems from poor self-esteem. Instead of labeling only the action or behavior as negative, people who experience shame internalize their discomfort and label their entire identity every bit negative. In other words, they recall, "I'm a bad person," not, "I did a bad affair."
Feeling either of these emotions is like toxicant to a chronic manipulator. Whether their discomfort stems from guilt over an action or shame over their ain identities, manipulators find the sensation fifty-fifty more than unwelcome than the average human being. That'south because shame and guilt serve every bit reminders that nosotros take fabricated a mistake by doing something wrong.
Manipulators cannot handle that realization, and they will practise everything in their power to remove themselves from it. This means that they will gaslight their victims into thinking that the offense never happened and repent without any true remorse.
Argument Ender
What the amends really means: "I'yard tired of arguing, then I'thou going to tell you whatever yous want to hear."
This type of amends is given by manipulators and victims alike. At certain points, a situation or relationship can go then uncomfortable that the participants will practice or say anything to put an terminate to it.
That's where this apology comes into play. Information technology doesn't stalk from shame, guilt, or whatever real sense of remorse. It stems from a desire to put an end to a confrontation, passive-aggressive behavior, and/or uncomfortable silence.
The most unfortunate trait of this type of apology is that it often comes across equally more sincere than other types of manipulative apologies. What may announced to be a heartfelt want to put an end to a fight may actually be exhaustion and/or apathy.
While it is not recommended to "test" anyone with whom y'all're in a relationship (romantic, platonic, familial, or otherwise), a good way to weed out this type of apology is to say that y'all aren't done talking. If the other person walks away or tunes you lot out, chances are that they only apologized to finish the argument. If they agree to listen, particularly if they're clearly tired or annoyed, the apology was more likely to exist sincere.
Leading the Witness
What the apology really means: "Past apologizing to you beginning, I expect you to apologize to me next. After all, it's not really my error—you lot're to arraign, too."
In court, the term "leading the witness" refers to a manipulation tactic wherein an attorney directs the witness on the stand to make a specific argument. It's basically a fancy way of proverb "putting words in someone's mouth."
For example, during a murder trial, an attorney may prove the witness a picture of the murder weapon while request, "The Accused owns a weapon merely like this, don't they?" If the witness says "yep", then they take made a vital correlation betwixt the Accused and the criminal offense. If the witness says "no", even if they call attention to the nature of the question, so they are assumed to be lying.
That's exactly how this type of manipulative apology works.
Like the Statement Ender rationale, apologies in this category don't stem from 18-carat remorse. Rather, they come from the belief that making an apology volition force the other person to apologize, also. After all, won't they seem like a jerk if you apologize and they don't?
This is, of course, a fallacy. While the phrase "it takes two to tango" (i.e., no i person is responsible for a negative situation) is correct for many conflicts, it isn't correct for all of them. A victim of abuse, physical or exact, is not in any way responsible for the actions of their abuser.
Testing Boundaries
What the apology really means: "If you accept this amends, and so information technology means I can exercise the thing that hurt or bothered you again without upshot."
When children begin to experience autonomy, one of the get-go things they practice is exam their boundaries. "Mom doesn't heed that I drew on this paper, so let'south run into if I can draw on the wall." "Dad put me in time out when I pulled the dog'southward tail, will he put me in fourth dimension out if I do it once again?"
These are the types of activities that toddlers engage in. They aren't evil, or egotistic, or sociopathic. They're just learning which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.
At best, that's the mentality backside this kind of apology, too. No matter how old or otherwise mature the person offer this type of apology is, it stems from a very kittenish perspective.
Instead of viewing an accustomed apology as a vehicle for forgiveness and personal growth, they see it equally carte blanche approving to commit the harmful action again. If they were really mad, they wouldn't have forgiven me, so that means it'south okay to do this thing again.
In this scenario, the person who offers the amends as a means of testing boundaries probably isn't doing information technology intentionally. Unfortunately, that isn't e'er the case. Purposely manipulative people volition employ the same technique to see just how far they can push button someone.
Ultimate Control
What the apology really ways: "I know that my amends volition make you lot feel sorry enough for me or positive plenty about our human relationship to stay."
This is what most people envision when they think about manipulative apologies. These are the sorries and promises that intentional abusers and manipulators make to ensure that their victims stay put.
In some cases, at that place is an additional intention backside this sort of apology. Namely, the person giving the amends is hoping to gaslight their victim.
The term "gaslight" gets thrown around quite ofttimes nowadays, so it is important to define what information technology really ways. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which the abuser attempts to convince their victim that their perception of reality is skewed. Examples of gaslighting tin range from the innocent and noncommital, "Information technology wasn't that bad!" to the explicit, "You lot're but lying, and you know information technology!"
When abusers apologize with the goal of gaining ultimate control of their victim, gaslighting is often the method they use. Past apologizing, they place doubt in their victims' minds. "They apologized to me, and then they can't be every bit terrible every bit I recollect them being."
The moment that doubt takes root, abusers know that their victims are susceptible to further abuse. They will immediately annul any violence or negativity with a smile or a compliment or a gift. Such actions keep their victims guessing about who the abuser really is and whether or not they're abusive in the showtime place.
Apologies humanize people, and abusers know that. They depository financial institution on it. If you notice that someone makes a habit of apologizing to calm you lot down or deflect your anger, take information technology equally a warning sign that they're using that apology to gain ultimate control over you.
The Last Resort
What the apology really ways: "I don't feel bad most what I did or said. I feel bad about the possibility that you lot might leave and/or never forgive me."
Finally, manipulators may rely on an apology equally a final resort for keeping their victim from leaving.
This final resort apology comes in ii primary forms. The first is related to an apology with the goal of ultimate control. The manipulator knows that their victim will leave and/or have a negative opinion of them unless they apologize, so they practice just that.
The 2d form is unintentional but no less manipulative for it. In this scenario, the manipulator issues a desperate apology borne from fear. This manipulator isn't actively trying to gain control of their victim, they're but doing whatever it takes to brand them stay.
The first type of last resort apology tends to come from principal manipulators, narcissists, and sociopaths. It is completely intentional, and the person making such an apology knows exactly what they're doing and why. The second type of last resort amends stems from poor cocky-esteem, codependency, and a lack of proper boundaries.
Makin Wellness
At the stop of the day, an amends is merely an apology. "I'm sorry," is simply a string of words. No thing how close you lot are with someone or adept y'all think that person is, an amends without change is manipulation.
That doesn't accept to mean that you should remove that person from your life, though, nor does information technology hateful that your relationship is unsalvageable. As nosotros've demonstrated hither, enough of people unintentionally offer insincere apologies considering of their own doubts and issues.
That's why Makin Wellness of Pittsburgh hither to help. Whether you're dealing with addiction, grief, emotional instability, or relationship breakdowns, Makin Wellness has an expert therapist on staff to help you overcome. To speak to a care provider or schedule your kickoff date, contact us through our cocky-service course.
Source: https://www.makinwellness.com/an-apology-without-change-is-manipulation/
This Post Has 19 Comments
Shelley 24 Sep 2021 Reply
Thank you for this article.. I am currently stuck in this circle of empty apologizing.. He even says he knows what is needed but never acts … Then says sorry …
I'grand stuck
Howdy Shelley, Cheers for your comment. Information technology sounds similar the relationship could benefit from some new communication skills and techniques for alter. It'due south tin can be frustrating when change does not occur afterwards the apology is given. Our part would be happy to help with that. Feel gratis to accomplish out to us at intake@makinwellness.com or one-833-274-HEAL.
April Davis xi Oct 2021 Reply
What nigh someone demanding you to accept their apology and if you don't they punish you lot.
Thank you for your reaching out, April. This sounds similar a rather serious class of control. It can be hard to gain back a healthy level on your own. We accept experienced professionals who work with individuals just like yous. You are not alone. Requite u.s.a. a phone call at 833-274-4325 and we can aid.
Kc 30 October 2021 Reply
How practise I explain to my hubby why proverb "I'thou deplorable I don't alive upward to your expectations" or "I'm sorry I'1000 such an @hole" isn't an actual apology? Considering he seems to call up it is and he gets upset when I basically ignore the so called apology or proposition that, that's non really an apology or if things have already tested my patience, I tell him to grow up. (I know that ane doesn't help)
This tends to happen when I ask him to do something differently like throw the empty poptart box in the trash, not on the kitchen table (pick upwards after himself) or not to accept his frustration out on me when he has a bad mean solar day. Something dumb similar that. I know… I have really loftier expectations (eyeroll)
Or telling me he'southward not yelling when I tell him not yell at me, particularly when he's upset about something that has aught to do with me.
Hi, thank you for your response. Sometimes significant others create an apology that contains things that they think the other person wants to hear. While this may seem condescending to you, he may feel it is advisable. While these responses can trigger anger, it is helpful to try to breathe and respond to their apology with questions about why they feel that way. We tin can help you come up with better forms of advice and discover the answers you are looking for. Give us a call at 833-274-HEAL or bring together us at our next Facebook Live Q&A. We hope to hear from yous and wish you the best.
fifi 2 Nov 2021 Reply
What if youre truly apologetic
just you lot say somethings which give off a bad aura? but you lot dont hateful information technology, at all
i fear thats the reason my life is like this
Nay iii Dec 2021 Reply
Hullo, Shelley.
I have been going through the same affair….for 12 years. It began over different things. But over the past ii years, it has been over the same affair…and has gone from once every 6 months to every 2-3 days. It has destroyed me. I'one thousand pretty sure he's a narcissist…and I KNOW he gaslights me. I went from a confident, joyful, approachable person who loved life and had lots of friends….to a recluse who has no self esteem, and who is existence hurt by someone who never deserved me to start with….and by that, I mean….he has NEVER contributed a dime to the relationship despite promises to pitch in;hasbinvaded my privacy, been violent, horri ly verbally calumniating, and does unspeakably barbarous things….then disappears, and resurfaces with apologies….and usually a request for coin and and so repeats the beliefs. He has cost me jobs, family unit….my joy. These days, I literally have pain in my chest daily from the hurt. It's been like that for the past 5 years now….and each fourth dimension he goes silent, I decide I must non let him back to injure me more. But I'm so devastated and isolated now that when he does appear with a vague, insincere amends that I KNOW isn't real, I'm so desperste to not feel the heartache, that I cease upwards choosing to 'pretend' it's sincere….simply for those few moments of relief. It reminds me of my childhood: choosing to believe my alcoholic dad daily, when he'd promise each morning for years on stop, that he wouldn't come up habitation drunk and tearing over again….knowing deep within he would. Believing allow me get through the 24-hour interval. He was drunk every single night.
Anyway….indicate beingness, I'g in another "silent handling"….what he did this time is the worst yet (in terms of blatant cruelty-)….and despite feeling gutted, I REALLY want to keep him out when he inevitably shows up once again. I just hope the lure of the momentary relief from the sadness doesn't win this time. Logically, I'm aware of exactly what's up. I'k no fool. But I recognize I'm stuck, totally stripped of everything by this homo, and am running on fumes for cocky motivation and perseverance.
Worst of all, when I met him 12 yrs agone, his stepmom was but similar me at present: housebound, empty, depressed….his dad was a full monster to both of them (but of class, my partner seemed different-)…she warned me to go out….that the men in this family were all monsters, and Ibwould terminate upwards like her – basically waiting to die in order to be rid of the pain. I felt sorry for her, simply idea it would never happen to me. The son (my partner) was and so charming! 12 yrs afterwards, I'yard a vanquish of my former self. Unrecognizable to myself. Lone. Hurting. Badly sad and solitary, and feeling worthless. (And clearly, sleepless, as I'm writing this at 3AM!)
Summa 3 Jan 2022 Reply
I hope you managed to stay potent. Praying for you.
Whitney 18 January 2022 Reply
I have totally been in that location, since my beginning beau at 15 and the 4 or 5 or maybe it's vi or vii at present relatiomships I've had during the following 20 years. I know exactly how you lot feel… Like you lot gotta quit fooling yourself, cuz yous Know the likelihood that you lot'll fall for it next fourth dimension, and you're embarrassed to continue lying to yourself or anyone else when you lot say y'all're done.
What I finally did westward most of these relationships to get actually done westward them was getting with someone else when they were away doing their silent handling bullshit. Yous know the maxim to get over somebody got to go under someone else…. However commonly the people that would be the kinds that I would be attracted to are going to exist the aforementioned ones I was trying to go away from So commonly I just started a whole new relationship with some other narcissist by doing this. I'm at the indicate right now though where I know that I tin do that and it's easier to non be then attached for so long where I don't go so worn out and worn down by them anymore. Actually what makes this possible is past dating people who are totally emotionally unavailable, The guys who are obvious cheaters or multiple women kind of guys, or already in relation ships (that "are ending") or ones at their midlife crisis who know how to exist mature and over their horny younger days but are really just reverting to the same behaviors, just w less attwntion (and therefore less competition) from other women
It isn't what I want, of class. I demand to intermission away and not keep myself distracted all the fourth dimension westward ever having some shitty relationship that I need to get over simply I just autumn for the adept everytime.
Jennifer thirteen Dec 2021 Reply
I think I might have borderline personality disorder. I did some pretty terrible things to my 76 year old Aunt in the hopes she wouldn't leave me. She did- she blocked my e-mail and phone. I apologized as sincerely as I could many times. I really feel awful nearly lying to her and manipulating her emotions. I dearest her and fear she might be go east from my life forever. I proceed reaching out to her by opening new email accounts but she doesn't respond to my messages. Is there annihilation else I can do? I am having a hard time trying to respect her wishes non to talk to me. I actually wish I could turn back time. It is awful to lose someone you truly care nigh and to have to acknowledge my behaviors are what acquired her to permanently cut me off. Should I keep apologizing? What if she never talks to me again? I'm heartbroken.
Hullo Jennifer. Processing the past and dealing with our life choices tin exist a difficult thing to deal with. Nosotros would love to talk to you lot more about what you're walking through, you're always welcome to schedule an introductory call with one of our team members. Nosotros're here to help.
Simone 3 January 2022 Answer
I experience stuck in this relationship staying with someone who doesn't change at all or make anything better simply talks about information technology. I am 5 weeks pregnant and i take a 1 twelvemonth old daughter . I've been trying difficult to stay and make this work simply i am tired of the abiding hurt. I never get dealt the aforementioned mitt i give him. I desire to get out in fact i'm always letting him know i want to get out to see if he will modify only see i'm here writing this then no no changes at all only empty statements and promises.
Hi Simone. We are sorry that you are struggling with these things in your relationship. Feel complimentary to schedule an appointment with one our team members if you feel similar you need aid.
HB 5 Mar 2022 Reply
I had to cut this toxic manipulative person out of my life. Around 35 years and misconduct repeated and evaded consequences this way, never learning to change. She blameshifts, will not see herself as the creator of conflicts.
And then my wife was in an abusive relationship. I understand that. No affair how many things I effort to change information technology seems never skilful plenty. She points out things to me that don't make sense but I'll just practice it. Example existence all your shoes are down here in a complaint format. I take then to our room on my side of the closet. I'm an alcoholic since I was 15 or so. I'thou 37 now but quit drinking for 3 or 4 years now. We moved fast and I take one child who mom abused heroin while meaning with another guys infant and gained total custody for two years now. We always co parented keen. So my one and her ii. She e'er shows favoritism towards the boy. When I ask for something only common sense shows I shouldn't need to ask, she creates this drama and starts saying I said information technology this or that way. She tells me what I felt and what I meant by it. No affair how I change the fashion I arroyo the situation its always the same. I get to a point where I don't talk to her for days. She then apologizes and says we demand to learn how to communicate. Everytime and everything I ask about ever comes with a tour and she turns it into right or incorrect. So insults me as in my person simply says I said something hateful when information technology was changed to what I meant when I said it. I explicate even for the futurity that if I'yard asking virtually something then that's all I'm asking. Every fourth dimension she gets defensive, plays victim or has excuses and starts telling me what I said. I explained to her that I'm trying to talk with her using u.s.a., we, our, and she finds a mode to flip it and then I told her that when nosotros talk she doesn't talk to me she talks at me. Instead of I feel like when you said this it was that. It goes more like I got defensive because you said this like that and it injure me. Like how are you going to say what I meant and said for me as to why y'all felt something or she will say when you said this it fabricated me feel similar you lot are doing this. Like and so I made you lot experience a mode. Nix nigh herself. She scoffs all the fourth dimension which we talked about and she says sorry but information technology never ends. She scoffs and says your mad. I'm ever saying why am I always mad when I'm just talking. She left me barely any food and asked if I needed more than. I explained she cooked and doesn't eat as much every bit united states of america four do please do. She rudely says I was gonna have it anyway. Seemed like a joke but unremarkably you say only kidding. Whatever though I don't care. She apologized like 5 times saying are you lot certain your ok? So I say if it isn't I can just become become myself something to swallow. She scoffs and some other we agreed non to do. She scoffs at me in front of the kids. I say what was that? What are yous scoffing at me. She goes cuz your all mad almost information technology. So I say why are yous but saying. Shhhhh non in forepart of the kids. Like I'thou a b discussion.similar she is better than me when it's e'er this start to a fight I never started and and then act like she is the bigger person and I simply demand to quiet. She has not been supportive of anything at all and seems more like she actually just pretends to be so ill shut upward. She once said to my face she wishes I had friends to talk to so I didn't talk to her about stuff. Then tries to discuss makeup. Now I'thou really standing upwardly for myself and it's always the aforementioned with she is distressing and and then says this nosotros stuff and it'south like and I accustomed this when I was drinking. I said for the starting time 2 years I accept that I caused a lot of issues but I've changed and proved it. I said so we had issues with parenting for well-nigh a year and I've worked so hard non to worry about all the little things. Now it's but been then victim excuses e'er siding with her son. My daughter and hers are fed up with him and she blames them and babies him. He randomly goes in there room and trash talks and she yells at them and blames them. Her son used to do dishes and has a bad arm but did them simply fine and excuses him from doing hand washed dishes. She blames the arm. Withal he plays basketball game just fine and emptied the dishwasher merely fine. Now he does trash and she tells him to leave it in the garage and just expects me to take it. She does all these things in the house and sometimes when stuff isn't done I'll do it only I said hey you practise too much and that I'm more than willing to assist but my whole day is work and so I need y'all to say or ask so I know and you tin can relax. She complains whenever there is a take a chance in anything where she did wrong and says she does everything. She uses Word all the time, you never, I e'er take to and yous do nothing. Everytime I'1000 telling her how that hurts my feeling because I do help especially when I'1000 off and the kids are home off school and it's so she can exist alone and relax. And so she says sad and how she needs me and apathetic blah simply to do it again afterward. If I say you shouldn't get out cans here and the trash is closer information technology's just all this crap I didn't say or mean she made upward I did and information technology's like a huge deal. She says she wants to talk and I'grand at this point I merely walk aways and now I say to her she doesn't want to talk because I was trying to and you(she) merely gets mad and insults me and says what I said and meant. The girls have been telling me they are ill of her antics. Anyway the one time I say mayhap I should get paperwork because she won't accept annihilation and keeps saying me. I'm like I'one thousand sick of being told I need to alter when I come across zilch from Her. She still acts the same. Scoffs at me. Insults me and makes upward what I meant and said that insulted her I never meant or said . Once I say information technology she sends me a pdf of paperwork and says she wants me notwithstanding but respects my option. Then says we should do counseling. She volition requite excuses for her son and reacts similar a b discussion to my daughter and her mom just stopped seeing or hanging out with her after 13 years of beingness the primary care provider. Her ex has been back and fourth with multiple kids from multiple mothers and acts like my girl doesn't know the struggle permit alone her ain daughter. I only want to explain and let you hear what I'k dealing with considering I want somone to see what I'm dealing with. She won't even call her family for communication because one fourth dimension while at her fams I explained something and they all explained how she can be. She acts like being a single mom was executed without help but all her family helps all the time. I come from a loving family just with a lot of background problems we all dealt with and grew from only I don't accept any family or aid. Mom and dad just nosotros never talk and they don't do that kinda stiff and I have a brother in another state with his ain kids and marriage. I'thou just me. My daughter and I are only u.s.a.. We take nothing to turn to and I honey her but I feel similar I allowed too much power and now am the punching bag for all her exes abuse and she learned some manipulation tactics forth the way to enable a style to show no remorse or emotion until it's a victim card I'k supposed to feel bad nearly and I've had a rough life some I chose and some not but information technology's like the small years of that can never amount to information technology or the mother card which I can't have because I'm a male person. I don't mention anything like that anyhow because it's my ain dealings and yous either suffer with a crutch or piece of work it into calcium around the interruption and go amend. I don't need to talk about it because it helped me grow and that's it. She seems to always wanna say that like I'm supposed to compassion it only you use the same excuse for anything information technology begins to lose its meaning. Please aid!
Dana B Koogler 2 Apr 2022 Reply
Cheers for sharing valuable insights on this sensitive topic. I am coping with a family unit member who is repeatedly doing bad things to me and others, apologizing, just and so making zero attempt to demonstrate change. Total insincerity. Yous called information technology for what information technology is. I needed this. Information technology validates my own emotions and helps me frame up my ain thoughts on the topic. I finally told her I was done listening to the "I'm sorries. I am paying attention to the deportment … not the words anymore." She was pissed, but I'm non hither to be pop. I think back to what Maya Angelou said about when people bear witness you who they really are, believe them the first time."
Hi Dana. Thanks for sharing your story. We understand how you experience. These situations with family members are really hard to deal with.
Miley S. 18 Apr 2022 Reply
Great article, though strongly disagree with the part most "testing" their willingness to keep talking. Conversations should be consensual–if a person is burnt out and doesn't feel like talking anymore, (they should say so, and not lie with a fake apology, but) you lot're non entitled to go on talking at them (which will only push button them to lash out or further shut down.) Nagging is a grade of abuse, too. I highly propose against information technology, and even traditionally "feminine" argumentative tactics can be simply as toxic.